WHAT COULD BE EASIER THAN TALKING….? OH YES, EATING!! ESPECIALLY WHEN THE “TALKING” IS TO YOUR HUBBY!
Oh let me tell you that writing this brings back a myriad of uncomfortable emotions. You see I was in a no win situation. I am talking (ha ha there’s the exact word) about not being able to talk..about my feelings. Well, you know, I could talk about them but one thing was certain if I did, tears. And then hurt, and then more pain and hey ho a load more food to follow. Hello Self Loathing!
So, what couldn’t I talk about? About not being able to tell him how scared I was of being alone in this world. Gulp, of losing him
Er, have I missed something I hear you say? Well, why would you be thinking of being alone? Of losing him? OK, major cringe – but that’s ok, I really do want to share this with you. Yes, at one point, in the words of Princess Diana, I can’t quite remember who she was talking to “there were three of us in this marriage.” Phew.
So, there I was in the dim and distant, very dark past, dealing with “whisper whisper – life after the affair”. (LATA – sounds like a fancy new coffee!) Shhhh!
Whoosh. Uproar. Horror.
Are there lot’s of self respecting ladies reading this who are now gnashing their teeth and beating their brow yelling out, “Why are you still there?”
Because….drumroll……there was no one I could talk to, to admit how afraid I was of being on my own. Of not being able to cope in life without my partner at my side.
So, I ate cake instead of talking. And what else? Hm…Food Glorious Food!
Do you know what? I am about to tell you, of course….it wasn’t just about eating cake or anything else you can hoover up.
WHAT WAS IT ABOUT?
- Having zero self esteem, self worth or self respect…
- Being terrified of being left on my own if I did speak up and tell him how I really felt. What if he left me? (WTF are you on about girl?!)
- Erm, I actually felt responsible for his happiness so….what did I do wrong? Will I even go there? Not right now.
Back to the cake, chocolate, crisps, chips (no, they don’t all begin with “c”), Prosecco (ha ha), Chinese (O another C), anyway, you get my drift!
When you go through life seeking the approval of others (friends from an early age), feeling responsible for other people’s happiness (my mum – from an early age), youngest child and unhealthily dependent on my Mum (from an early age!) let me tell you that feeling capable of opening up and talking, saying out loud, what you want to say in a highly charged, highly emotional situation such as this, is only about as easy as climbing Mount Everest in a bikini.
Shall we talk (that word again!) about all the fear whirling around like a washing machine on full spin? Yes that is very much why my business is called The Life Laundrette!
I was swamped by FEAR and FEELINGS
- INSECURITY – Jesus, I am coming back to what if he decided that enough was enough putting up with me and he was going to go off to the other woman, away from this “crazy, neurotic, needy” female. MY WORDS AND MY THOUGHTS ABOUT MYSELF – I DO NEED TO MAKE THAT CLEAR!
- FAILURE – Holy God, woman, you have an A level in English – (language, literature?) who knows, who cares? – and you can’t speak the Queen’s English to your husband? If only it were that simple!
- EVEN MORE FAILURE – shouldn’t I give him his marching orders? And be this strong woman that rises up, all empowered, like a phoenix from the ashes of my unhappiness? Yeah, right – in your dreams!
- SHAME – so much shame as I turned to not just food, but SECRET EATING. I didn’t even have the courage to admit that I was hurting so badly but couldn’t talk about it.
FAR EASIER TO SHOVEL IN ANOTHER CAKE OR 6 AND GET COMFORT AND SOLACE FROM THE SWEETNESS
You know those Fairy Cake type ones, that are basically sponge in a lovely paper case, home made and covered in icing with sprinkles or a cherry on top? Well, once upon a time, I went for 11 – throwing the paper cases out of the bathroom window. I wasn’t being a litter lout. I knew that no one would go around the back of the house and I could get there and pick them up. The shame!
OK – LET’S TAKE STOCK
- This is not really, absolutely about LATA. That is a massive area of my life that I have learned so much from and now offer up support to other ladies, too! Seriously Ladies, this was once shit time, TWICE, so I hear you, I am here if you need help!
- This is about me, and perhaps you too.
- What we may have learned as we were growing up. Deffo.
- How we value ourselves. Double Trouble Deffo.
- Right down to what we “believe” a woman’s place is in a relationship. You know, those pre conceived notions that men are the hunter/gatherers whilst the women stay at home deferring to the man of the house. Life has moved on. Has it in our heads??
Of course it is not like that any more, is it? It might be in your world, who am I to presume it isn’t?
And so, given all of the above, as a woman that “knows her place” and whose job it is to “make her partner happy” so that she can then “bask in his happiness” – laying awake at night, frightened to death that you have no life or prospects without your partner, might seem quite….normal?
And so we eat to soothe the pain and feel fulfilled, in our own way.
WHAT DID I DO?
After a “lifetime” of being “afraid” I had to be HONEST with myself. And I really, truly was. Holding up my hands to the parts I MAY have played in the affairs! But more importantly, how I felt about me! Was this any way to attempt to live a life? Bubbly and bright on the outside, falling apart on the inside. Struggling with anxiety, worrying it was all going come down around my ears and I would be left on my own and couldn’t cope.
I took a long hard look at myself and let me tell you, the honesty was pretty painful and I decided it was high time to take responsibility for my health and wellbeing
Looking back, I realise that I set myself a goal. And the goal was:
That if ever I was faced with a situation of being on my own again, not through choice, I wouldn’t slide down a wall in fear.
I wouldn’t freak out and think I couldn’t cope. Would never cope.
And slowly but surely, Bit by Bit, I re built my life. Day by Day. Tiny challenge by Tiny Challenge.
- Bloody loving myself – you bet cos you know what – Curvy Girls Rock!
- Listening to myself – quietly and patiently. With compassion.
- Being honest with myself – very, no matter how painful.
- Changing my way of thinking – it is THE way forward.
- Knowing that deep down inside me I do have so much strength and resilience – Yup!
- Allowing myself to know that it was ok to feel crap in the knowledge that hell, I would relish moving away from that feeling…and I did. And still do (smiley, happy face x)
Not least because I am and always will be,
Work in Progress.
Phew, I got lost in emotion there…
Do I still secret eat?
Self Sabotaging Habits can be very hard to break..but the answer to that is very very rarely. And if I do, I totally forgive myself for having a wee slip up. We are none of us perfect…all perfectly imperfect.
And that my lovely reader, is good enough for me in my healthy, happy life that I consciously create for myself, day after day.
As ever, I thank you for reading and hope that you may take away something from this blog post that is useful to you in your life. And if you ever feel like talking….as I said up above….I am a Proud Survivor of quite a lot of crap! Hence my Pink Pants – cos sometimes, you just pull them on and take charge….